


All The Blood I Bled

by turquoisetopaz



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Character Study, F/F, F/M, Introspection, clarke centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:02:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24761251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turquoisetopaz/pseuds/turquoisetopaz
Summary: "Clarke thinks that if she were to burn the world, were to destroy the entire universe, Bellamy would somehow rise from the ashes, so that he could offer her forgiveness."-Or: Clarke Griffin; a character study.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin, Clarke Griffin/Finn Collins (past), Clarke Griffin/Lexa (Past)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 74





	All The Blood I Bled

**Author's Note:**

> I have a lot of feelings about Clarke Griffin. Okay?

Clarke Griffin is born amongst the stars. She falls to Earth and picks herself up. 

She makes more enemies than friends, loses more people than she saves. 

She becomes a leader, a killer, and eventually a Mother.

Clarke is a long list of so many different things. 

But most importantly she's a survivor.

-

Dad

Wells

Charlotte

Finn 

Lexa

Lincoln 

Jasper

Monty

Harper

Mom

Clarke Griffin has loved, and has lost, more than most. Some days she doesn't know how she bears the grief. 

-

She burns hundreds of Grounders.

She kills Finn; her first love.

She stands by and watches a bomb drop on TonDc

She pulls the lever and takes the lives of 350 people at Mount Weather

She kills Eligus prisoners, children of Gabriel and the Primes.

Clarke Griffin has killed more than most; she's lost count of how many lives she has ended. Some days she doesn't know why the guilt hasn't eaten her alive.

-

Prisoner 319

Princess 

Mountain Slayer

Klark Kom Skaikru

Fleimkepa

Angel of Death

Wanheda

Clarke Griffin has more names than most. Some days it's hard to remember who she actually is.

-

Clarke struggles to remember a time when she wasn't fighting. Her life has changed dramatically since the day she found out the Ark was running out of oxygen. She tries to do the right thing; her Father dies and she's thrown in a jail cell.

"I tried to be the good guy." She tells her Mother, after the second time she commits mass murder.

Her Mother tells her that there are no good guys, and Clarke knows it's the truth. (It still hurts like hell to hear it).

So many time she tries to do the right thing; and so many times she ends up covered in blood.

-

Her and death are old friends, you see.

They know each other, more intimately than most. 

The people of the Sky had always avoided deaths gaze, they'd floated people for their sins, and turned away at the horror. Clarke had never been like that; she had always faced death head on. She looks death in the eye, breathes in the smell of blood and ash, and she doesn't turn away. She takes a step closer, refuses to back down.

(One day, a grounder had accused Clarke of being death herself. It says a lot about who's she become, that she couldn't help but laugh at the accusation.)

-

Nightmares consistently play out in her mind.

She sees death in her sleep, every time, without fail.

Clarke avoids sleep as often as she can; she knows what she'll see.

She relives Lexa's death, and the all consuming pain she felt. She sees Finn, tortured by grounders. She watches Maya burn.

They all ask the same question "Why didn't you save me?"

(Clarke never knows how to reply.)

The worst ones feature the living. Madi. Bellamy. Raven. In her nightmares she has to watch them die. She always tries to save them, and she always fails.

The most consistent one is surprising. It's not one of the many massacres she's seen. Instead, she sees Atom.

Atom was so young and full of life; and Clarke had killed him. It had been done in mercy, but he was the first one she had killed. In her dreams, he keeps dying and coming back to life. She's forced to stab him over and over again. 

Her Mother had once promised her that they would go away, eventually. 

(Clarke knows she's wrong. If anything, she's pretty sure they'll get worse.)

-

Wells Jaha often plagues her thoughts.

He was her first friend; and the first person she had lost on the ground. She had loved him and had never even had the chance to mourn him. 

She doesn't understand why she was alive, living and breathing, and he was dead, buried who knows how many feet under the Earth. 

Some days she tells herself it was because he was too good for the world. He was kind, and smart. He loved fiercely and would do anything for his friends. She thinks that Wells was not made for the ground, not made for the war, for the bloodshed, for the clusterfuck of dreadful things that had happened.

On the other days, she thinks that maybe he would've done better on the ground than she had. She thinks that if life was fair, their roles would've been reversed. She would've died, and he would've been the leader she was. Except, she thinks he would've found a different way to survive; a less brutal one. He was born to be a leader, he could've made better choices than she had. Perhaps he could've brought peace.

But then again, Clarke's pretty sure peace doesn't exist.

-

Clarke treats her life like it's disposable. She bleeds for those she loves. She puts herself in front of guns without care. She offers herself as a sacrifice whenever she gets the chance. 

Death doesn't scare Clarke; in fact it sounds rather nice. She yearns for peace. In death she'd maybe see those she loves again. 

It's living which terrifies her.

Life is full of pain and suffering. It's full of impossible choices and betrayals.

Of course, when she has the chance, she fights like hell to survive. She kicks and screams her way out of danger. She has to survive if she's to protect her people.

-

"What if this is who we are now?"

A lot about Finn Collins haunts her; but these words are the perhaps the most significant.

At the time she'd truly believed that you weren't defined by what you have to do to survive. At the time she'd never imagined how many lives she would one day have to take.

-

"You're not the person I thought you were." Octavia says.

"The biggest threat to us is you." Jasper accuses.

"You're the one we need saving from." Proclaims Raven.

"You can't just do whatever the hell you want here." Insists Miller.

"Who the hell do you think you are?" Rages Murphy.

"She decides who lives and who dies." Comes from her Mother.

"People die when you're in charge." Bellamy tells her.

The people she loves spit venom at her, and she doesn't care. She'll bear it so they won't have to.

Clarke apologies for all the choices that she's made, yet she doesn't really mean it. She tires of pretending that she'd do things differently if she could. 

Her life has been a series of impossible choices, one brutal scenario after another. Guilt weighs heavy on her heart, still she has no regrets. All her choices were made to keep her people alive, they can hate her but it doesn't bother Clarke. What's important is that they're still breathing.

-  
Every time Clarke kills, she tells herself it's the last time. 

(It's a lie, of course, but it helps her sleep just a little easier.)

-

Clarke hadn't wanted to fall in love with Lexa; however it was impossible not to. 

She thinks, in part, it was because they were the same. Two halves of the same coin. Both girls bore so much responsibility, and faced so many hard choices.

Not many people understood Clarke's plight, but Lexa did. 

Lexa told her that love was weakness, but she kissed Clarke like she didn't really believe her own words.

Clarke watches Lexa die, and it breaks her heart. 

As she dies, Lexa tells her that "Life is about more than just surviving". And Clarke does her best to carry that with her, no matter how difficult it gets.

-

Clarke can't really pinpoint the moment Bellamy Blake became her family. 

At first he'd been her enemy, had opposed her at every turn. Then they'd formed a tenuous alliance, and had become co leaders to their people.

He'd spat the word Princess at her like it was supposed to mean something, like he'd wanted it to hurt. After a while he'd began calling her Princess like it was an inside joke between the two; he said the word with teasing affection. Eventually when he said the word, all she could hear was respect and the occasional tinge of awe.

She respects him as well; more than he'll ever truly understand.

There are times when she holds a up a gun that she swears she can feel his arms on her. He'd put a gun in her arms and had helped her to make her first ever shot. Clarke thinks about that moment a lot. She'd felt amazing doing it, had felt like a kid playing a game. She never expected to have shot as many bullets as she has now.

He'd been there for her first kill too. Had stared at her as she'd stabbed Atom in the neck, to ease his pain. Clarke had done it because Bellamy couldn't. He'd pretended to be the bad guy for a while, but he couldn't keep it up. 

Clarke has know for a long time that Bellamy was better than her.

She remembers the first time she'd hugged him. For a moment she'd thought him dead. Upon their reunion, Clarke had flung herself into his arms. He'd been warm and smelt like safety. It was the first time she'd thought of him as a friend.

After Mount Weather they were definitely more than friends. Clarke didn't really have a word to describe it; they were just... more. 

He keeps her alive, and sane. They balance each other out. 

They argue, of course. It's no surprise given their personalities. Clarke threatens to shoot him. Bellamy handcuffs her to a chair. It hurts but it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. She doesn't believe in much, but she's certain that the two of them will always find their way back to one another.

The two of them are often separated, and Clarke hates it. She knows they're better together. She wakes up in Mount Weather and instantly wonders where he is. The minute she walks away from Camp Jaha she regrets it. He comes and saves her ass a couple months later; only for her to be taken by Roan. Time after time they are torn apart. Some days she wonders why fate is against them. 

In their early days on the ground, she'd kept a tally of who had saved who. He'd not let her fall to her death (even though it would have made her life easier). She had convinced Jaha to pardon Bellamy for his crimes. Eventually she stops keeping track. If her life is ever truly in danger; she knows he'll come for her. Not because he owes her anything, it's just how it is between the two of them, and that's how it will always be.

-

"I am become death, destroyer of worlds." Clarke says the words solemnly, as they watch Ravens bomb goes off.

Bellamy looks at her intently, and she tries to not to blush. "It's Oppenheimer," she explains "The man who built the first..."

"I know who Oppenheimer is." Comes his voice, equal parts amused and impressed.

They share a look and they both know exactly what it mean. Raven might have set off the bomb, but Bellamy and Clarke are the responsible ones. They're in charge, and they will have to lead their people in to war together.

It's just one of many moments, where Clarke finds herself eternally grateful for the existence of Bellamy Blake.

-  
"If you need forgiveness, I'll give it to you. You're forgiven." 

Clarke remembers how quickly Bellamy was ready to offer her forgiveness for Mount Weather. It wasn't his to give, but he did anyway. She's pretty sure he'd offer her forgiveness for all her sins, if she were to ask. Of course, she never would, but still, it's nice to know.

In fact, Clarke thinks that if she were to burn the world, were to destroy the entire universe, Bellamy would somehow rise from the ashes, so that he could offer her forgiveness.

-

Once upon a time, Clarke Griffin had been nothing more than teenage girl, training to be a doctor. She had wanted to be a person who helped save lives. The irony of her ending up as the Commander of Death is not lost on her.

When she can't sleep at night, she tires to imagine a different life. She pictures what would have happened if the Ark had an unlimited oxygen supply.

Her Dad would be alive. Her Mom would be alive. They'd be married, and Clarke would be the perfect daughter. She'd work shifts in the med bay, and she'd hang out with Wells.

She daydreams about Bellamy as well. Imagines a world where the Ark allowed second children. His Mother would be alive, and Octavia would have a happy childhood. 

They'd bump into each other one day on the Ark. They'd argue at first. He'd call her Princess and she'd roll her eyes at him. She thinks in a less complicated world, they would have easily fallen in love. She pictures the two of them sneaking into a supply cupboard to be together, and her cheeks blush fiercely at the image.

Yet as nice as it is to to think about; it's just not real, and it never would be.

-  
Clarke's mind enters the city of light, and Bellamy keeps her body safe. 

For a brief moment, she considers staying. She looks into Lexa's eyes and imagines the possibilities.

There is no pain in the City of Light, and it appeals to Clarke. 

However, Clarke wants more than empty, hollow survival. She wants to live. She wants to hug her Mother.  
She wants to laugh with her friends. She wants to figure out exactly what the hell her and Bellamy mean to each other.

When she wakes, Bellamy holds onto her hand, and it makes her feel better about her decision.

But only marginally, because, well, Earth is only a few months away from burning.

"Okay Princess. Now what?" He asks. And the old nickname makes her forget her problems for a brief, sweet moment.

-

The world is going to end; they couldn't save Earth, no mater how hard they tried.

"So is cold sweat." Bellamy laughs, gently wiping her forehead. Clarke's heart quickens and it feels like they're on the precipice of something.

They're supposed to go back to the sky, back to where they were born. But Clarke can't shake the feeling that something bad is about to happen. Her Mother's vision of her death won't stop playing on her mind. Bellamy thinks it's ridiculous, which calms her slightly.

Clarke tells Bellamy he needs to use his head as well as his heart. Bellamy responds with "I got you for that." The way he says it makes her feel funny inside. He sounds so certain that they'll always be partners, and it sort of makes her want to weep. 

She decides that if they survive the day, if they make it to the Ark safely, that she's definitely going to kiss him. 

-

Clarke watches her friends leave her behind. She's grateful that they're safe. Yet she still can't forget the stray thought: I guess now I won't get to kiss Bellamy.

-

Clarke swims in a cold, clean lake, in the only survivable land on Earth.

"Maybe life should be about more than surviving"

She hears Lexa's voice in her head, and it warms her heart. "Maybe I'm more than just Wanheda." She talks aloud, even though no one is listening (she does that now).

Eden is lonely, but Clarke no longer has to fight any wars. In time she thinks she'll be able to wash all the blood from her hands. There are no more lives for her to take. 

Peace isn't exactly what she expected, but it's pretty damn good.

-

For as long as she can remember, Clarke had never wanted to be a Mother. 

It probably starts with her relationship with her own Mom. The relationship between Abby and Clarke Griffin was... complicated, to say the least. 

She's certain about the decision once she lands on Earth. 99 teenagers fall with her, and somehow she ends up in charge of them.

One day, Monty had called her "Mom". It was said as a joke; but it made Clarke's stomach lurch. Because in some twisted way, she had become a parent to him, to all of them. 

Every time a member of the 100 died, she felt it. Each death felt like a piece of her had been chipped away. She thinks that maybe Charlotte was the worst. Charlotte was so young, and confused, and Clarke had watched her fall to her death. It had felt like a punch to the gut; like all the air had been stolen from her.

So many teenagers had depended upon her, and so many had died. 

Clarke Griffin has lost so much; she couldn't even bear the thought of bringing a child into this world.

-

When she first meets Madi, she tells herself that she'll help the child, she'll care for her. Just not as a Mother.

She considers herself Madi's guardian; a friend and a mentor. She teaches Madi to speak English and helps her to become a survivor.

But she also brushes Madi's hair, and holds her when the younger girl has nightmares.

There's one particularly bad night where Madi screams in her sleep. She wakes up covered in a cold sweat, and she sobs at memories of the death wave.

Clarke pulls Madi towards her and presses a kiss onto her forehead. "You're safe Madi. Go back to sleep." She whispers in a soothing tone.

"Mom. Promise you won't ever leave me."

"I promise I won't." Clarke says to her daughter. Because there isn't much point in pretending. Clarke hadn't brought Madi into the world, but she'll do anything to keep her in it. Madi is her child, and she's all that matters.

-

Clarke often tells Madi about Bellamy. About his bravery, his selflessness, his strange love of Greek mythology.

Madi eats the stories up. Begs to hear them almost every night. She likes to hear about the time the two took a day trip together; how he saved her from Dax, and how they returned to camp more of a united front than ever.

When five years pass and her friends don't return to the ground, Clarke is hurt, but she's not without hope. Every day she wakes up and looks to the sky; waiting for them to come back. 

She talks to Bellamy on the radio every day. He doesn't respond, and probably can't hear her, but it still helps her to keep ahold of her sanity. She's grateful she found Madi, but there are some things that she'll never understand. There are some conversations she'll always want to have with Bellamy.

-

One night, Madi asks if her and Bellamy were in love.

"Of course I loved Bellamy, I still do." She replies. It doesn't really answer Madi's question, but Clarke doesn't really know how to answer. She's not sure whether or not she had fallen in love with Bellamy, amidst one of the many wars they fought together.

She's probably not in love with him, not yet at least. She thinks that if they'd have lived in a more peaceful time, that they would've been in love. She imagines that when he comes home, she could let herself fall, knows that it would be frighteningly easy.,

-

A ship of prisoners fall to the ground before her friends do. Clarke wants to scream. She doesn't want to fight another war, but knows she'll probably have to. She'll do whatever it takes to keep Madi safe.

She picks up her gun, puts steel in her spine, and remembers who she is. She is Wanheda, she is the commander of death; she does not fear people, people fear her.

Clarke sits with Diyoza, and desperately tries to explain her situation. Before she can fully do it, she hears on the radio "We have five more hostiles."

She feels sick with relief. She can't be completely certain it's them, but it feels like it is. For the first time in over six years, her and Bellamy are back on the same planet.

Clarke sees him as she lies on the ground in pain. He's in the rover with her daughter, and she instantly knows that she'll be alright. He comes to bargain for her life. Threatens to kill 283 people just to keep her alive. He tells Diyoza that she's important to him, and Clarke has to resist the urge to run towards him.

He comes for her, a little while later. He sits beside her and pulls her into a hug. She's reminded of thoughts she had all this years ago; thoughts of kissing him. But they're quickly brushed aside because, well, she's a hostage.

He tells her that Madi is safe, that all her friends are still alive, and she cries into his shoulder, because she'd waited so damn long for him to come home to her.

-

Another war is fought, and more mistakes are made.

Clarke is exhausted, and terrified for her daughter's life.

Bellamy and Clarke argue, they're more divided than they've ever been. Six years apart has changed their relationship.

At some point along the way, she figures out that Bellamy and Echo are in love. It stings in a way she doesn't expect. 

She's not sure why it bothers her. She loves Bellamy, but he'd spent six years away from her, it makes sense that he'd fall in love with someone that wasn't her.

Perhaps it's Echo's crimes which grate on her. Clarke doesn't know the grounder girl that well, but Echo's threatened Clarke's life enough that Clarke is still wary of her. 

Bellamy seeks solace in Echo, and Clarke is hit with the knowledge that he doesn't need her, not in the same way she needs him.

She leaves him to die, and it almost kills her. But she doesn't regret it. She loves him, but it's not the same as how she loves Madi. She'll do what she has to, so that she can protect her daughter. 

Madi orders Bellamy to forgive Clarke; and he gives in easily. She goes into cryogenic sleep knowing she has his friendship back.

When she wakes up, he's the first person she sees. 

Monty and Harper die, after a peaceful life. Clarke can't think of two people who deserved a happy ending more than them. They leave a son behind, and a chance for their friends to have a fresh start. Monty brings them to a new planet, one they could survive on.

It's beautiful.

Clarke and Bellamy stand in front on the Planet Alpha, side by side. Monty tells them to be the good guys, but Clarke doesn't make any promises.

-

Clarke writes down her sins and hopes they'll float away into the sky.

She tells Bellamy that he's her family, and he cries into her shoulder. It's a good moment, and Clarke swears to herself that she'll never let them be divided again.

Sanctum isn't what any of them expected. Clarke tries for peace and it blows up in her face.

Josephine Lightborn steals her life, and for a brief moment, Clarke almost lets her. She considers fading away, blowing away like smoke.

It's Bellamy who brings her back (because when does he not?).

He slams his hands down onto her chest; he breathes air back into her lungs. He screams at her to fight, and against all odds she hears it.

"Get up and fight." He begs, and she listens. She destroys Josephine and gets her life back.

Bellamy pulls her into a hug and she whispers "the head and the heart to him". They understand each other, and they always will.

-

Her Mom dies, and it's like another piece of her soul gets torn away. 

Bellamy holds her, and it stops her from falling apart. "We did do better." He promises her, and she uses the words as a lifeline.

Clarke Griffin is now an orphan, and by God how the pain of it hurts

-

She burns down the Sanctum Palace, because that is who she is. No matter what she does, deep down, she'll always be a person of chaos and destruction.

She finds out that Bellamy has been taken, and she screams in frustration.

(She once again considers how the universe seems to be conspiring against them.)

-

"No one has to do this." She promises her friends.

The anomaly is dangerous, she won't ask her friends to risk their lives.

They don't have to do it, but Clarke does. Because Bellamy is out there. She's lost so many people, but she knows she won't survive losing him.

The head and the heart, she thinks to herself, they need each other to survive.

Her friends debate how to search for the ones they've lost to the anomaly. They fear stepping into a world that's not survivable.

"If the air's toxic, then we're all dead anyway." She hears Bellamy's voice in the back of her mind. It makes her feel vaguely hysterical, like she doesn't know whether to laugh or to cry. 

Clarke steps into the anomaly without hesitation; Bellamy is out there and she will find him. He's her family and she'll be damned if she doesn't save him. He'd do the same for her; without a doubt.

She still isn't sure what to call him. Doesn't know what title to use. It's a little complicated, but at the end of the day it doesn't matter to her. She loves him, and he's a piece of her heart.

"I'll find you Bellamy", she whispers to herself "I promise."

After all, she was Clarke Griffin; a force to be reckoned with. Nothing would stand in her way.

-

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> Come say hi on my [Tumblr](https://turquoisetopazz.tumblr.com)
> 
> Check out this link on how to support Black Lives Matter. It is so important.
> 
> https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co


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